I absolutely love Carnival Eats. The show airs on the Cooking Channel with host Noah Cappe, who is absolutely hilarious. I can’t think of a better, funnier person to have travel around from fair to fair, sampling the craziest foods you’ve ever heard of. I always end up laughing at Noah’s antics, and I always end up hungry after seeing the food!
I’ve never missed an episode of Carnival Eats. I like it so much that I decided to make a post of the funniest lines from the show. Some funnies are from Noah, some from guests, and all are hilarious! Enjoy!
Guest’s comments are in quotes, everything else is pure Noah! There are some real gems in here so you gotta read them all!
– Holy crepe this thing sounds good.
– Now, if I know you, and I don’t, you’ve got one all ready to go.
– It’s a party and we’re both invited.
– (eating) I’m taking a moment for me…
– (covered in powdered sugar) It looks like we both just fooled around with a snowman.
– Have you ever eaten an Indian taco with two people staring at you?
– I know we just met, but can I throw out just a thought? … Maybe a bit of a bigger bowl?
– I don’t know what heaven smells like… but I imagine it’s at the bottom of that deep fryer.
– I want to see how we can get this in my mouth as soon as possible.
– Oh wowsers, it’s so hot… you gotta let that baby breathe for a minute.
(eating crab) Seven minutes ago this thing was making a run for it.
– I feel like I could spit fire right now.
– (eating deep fried Margarita) One more of these and I’m going to go into Spring Break mode.
– Now to the three sweetest words in television… to the fryer!
– Let’s light the torch for the meat Olympics.
– I hope you got a flu shot, cuz this thing is sick!
– There goes your “I’m going to eat this gracefully on the show” plan.
– Did we just become best friends? … “We’re best friends!” … I meant the sandwich…
– Where do we begin? “We need to rub our butt” It was only a matter of time…
– You’re in the carpool lane to my heart.
– (to chef who was on Chopped) You spend your time slumming with these bottom-feeder shows, you’re now ready for Carnival Eats.
– That’s a little disc of flavor.
– I’m so workshopping it but there’s something there.
– This is a special, special moment.
– Put some south in your mouth.
– Did someone say ‘weenies’?
– Your life is about to change in a wonderful way.
– This burger is so good, they named a fair after it.
– “…about 3 years ago we had a musical festival in town.. there was no corn dogs” I hate this festival already.
– “First we have to make the batter.” Batter up!
– I’ve got a burning desire for what’s in the fryer!
– Have you ever seen a leprechaun? “I haven’t seen a leprechaun.” Well, there goes all my other questions.
– Now, of course the state of Pennsylvania is famous for its Philly cheesesteak but we’ve got a meat-on-bun combo that’s giving me nasty thoughts.
– Sounds like an R&B song “Girl, let’s sweat you down”.
– How did you get into this business? “I guess I just wanted to be my own boss.” If my boss wasn’t watching I’d say the same thing.
– I just want to watch you eat… Is that creepy?
– This sandwich is so good, it made donuts bad.
– (frying frogs legs) You gotta ease them in, like when you’re walking into a cold pool.
– You’re a cop, making donuts… that explains this (holds rolling pin).
– “Are you having a flavorgasm?”
– Add up my points, book a flight, I’m going on vacation.
– Where is the waiter with our wine?
– I’ve popped a few bottles in my life.
– So you’re saying it’s …. time to get saucy?
– I love how you waited to say the hot part after I took a sample.
– I like how you went in with a grown-up bite.
– It’s thick. “No it’s not thick, it’s perfect” Sorry, I meant to say it’s perfect.
– “There’s only two types of people in this world, a tartar boy and a cocktail sauce man”
– “It’s like my basic food groups: sugar, sugar and sugar”
– We got a big day ahead of us, and by we I mean you, so what’re you doing man, we gotta get going!
– (taking bite) My goodness, I love my life.
– I’m not saying you’re short, I’m saying that this is enormous!
– “It’s got everything you want, you just didn’t realize you wanted it until you have it.”
– “This is a smile in a bowl.”
– “Everything deep fried is like a million times better.”
– I’m all about whatever that’s about.
– Make some noise for grandma.
– Smellavision.. for the love of god, somebody invent it.
– Like any good cowboy, you’ve gotta glove up.
– “I thought, you know, I’m going to ‘dough’ for it” I was saving that joke for later but.. uh…
– “I’m going to get a little dirty now, you ready?” Uh….. yes….?
– I’m trying to come up with the excuse that I can give my parents to explain why I’m not coming over for Thanksgiving this year because I’m probably going to be at your house.
– You’re the Elliott from the Home Ec award? “Yes I am, in the flesh”. Holy moly.
– I’m not the one that has to clean it up, we can get as messy as we want.
– “I’m not sure what I’m enjoying more here, this poutine or the friendship that you and I are creating.” Now you have to share with me, because that’s what friends do.
– Want to taste a piece? “Don’t give me a pity bite.” I don’t want to give it to you, just trying to be nice. “Too late!”
– This is getting ridiculous and I love it!
– No glove, no love, man.
– “Maybe we’ll hire you in the funnel cake stand” I’ve got a job, eating funnel cake. That’s why we’re a brilliant team.
– When the boats come out, it’s time to shout!
– So you grew up in this business, you know this industry. “No I didn’t, I went to school for interior design.”
– Does this officially make me a hillbilly? “Yes.” Guess it’s time to update my business cards.
– If only your eyes lit up like that when you talked about me.
– The perfect bite is every bite.
– (discussing scorpion pizza, where the poisonous tails have been removed) So we’re safe? 100 percent? “Well, 99.”
– “There is no right, only tasty.”
– You just got soft served.
– Oh, I’ve never seen one explode like that. I don’t know if that’s you… “Maybe it’s just excited to see me.”
– … and half of a beer” What do you do with the other half? (while drinking it) Well, I usually like to conserve it for something else… but I guess we won’t do that this time.” Oops.
– How do you go back to eating a normal burger after this. “I’m actually texting the other burgers to let them know their day is done.”
– (pineapple slides off table onto floor) One of the things I forgot about pineapple is that it’s super slippy…
– Set your destination for my mouth. Aye, aye Captain!
– This may be grape growing country, but there’s nothing to whine about here.
– You do what you gotta do and apparently what you need to do “is finish my spaghetti ice cream” … and my sentences.
– “How do you deep fry something that is 92% water?” Is it multiple choice and is one of the choices ‘I don’t know’?
– Don’t you dare tell me that’s a secret spice. “That’s a secret spice.” I just said don’t you dare tell me that.
– And there’s stuff I want to stuff into my mouth hole!
– Students please be seated. It’s assembly time.
– “It’s like a convenience store in a burger. It’s got everything you want.”
– Those marshmallows are.. ‘They’re gi-gant-normous!”
– Is there anything better than sitting around roasting marshmallows? “I don’t think so” Well, you’d be wrong….
– This is where things really start to get…. “Hot”. What he said.
– “Why don’t you take a little bit of egg and put it on your hand like this” I just want to massage somebody right now…
– “Go with the flour first, about so much.” So, if you’re trying to make this at home, it’s about… so much….
– “…and I add a secret ingredient.” Are you going to tell me? “No, because it’s meant to be sold, not told.”
– There’s a good chance I’m going to be at your next family reunion.
– Where’s that going to go? It’s physically bigger than your stomach area.
– You know the saying ‘When in Rome do as the Romans do’. So we’re going to do that… but with food.
– So good it’ll make you say Holy… “Cannoli”
– I don’t wanna say perfectly…. but I will say without a single mistake
– Everything goes down easy when it’s cheesy.
– Can there be too much cheese? “I don’t think so”. No. That was a trick question.
– “Stay cheesy, my friend.”
– “I didn’t come to the fair to drink water and eat lettuce wraps.”
– Can I tell you something about this gravy? “Please do” He put sour cream into it. “Stop!”
– “… you’re going to get that nice rich Italian flavor into it.” Some of the things you say get me so excited.
– Do I have to share it? “If you want.” I don’t.
– “Make your patties about the size of a golf ball.” Then throw it deep into the woods where the rest of my golf balls go.
– Cooking for inmates and cooking for me is very similar. We’re aggressively hungry and really don’t contribute in any way.
– Never thought I’d say this sentence…. We’re about to deep-fry this pizza.
– Done! “We’re not done.” Not done!
– If only your eyes lit up like that when you talked about me.
– It was the (funnel cake) trailer or her…. and we’re in the trailer!
– “When you don’t have the show you can come do this.” What do you mean ‘when we don’t have the show’?
– Big fan of Ranch? “Yeah, I am, put that on everything” Cereal? (gets weird look) Not everything…
– “Only the hungry need to apply here.” I’d like to interview.
– If this Lone Star corn dog was a human being would you date it? “I wouldn’t date it, I’d marry it!”
– Unicorns, let’s just end the debate right now. They’re real. “Absolutely.” – You’ve seen one. “Hmmmm hmmmm, so majestic.”
– When in doubt, bacon it out.
– “It’s not your regular cinnamon, just has a little extra kick to it.” sniff Yeah, she didn’t lie.
– “This smells like love on a bone.”
– This things like on the Russian Olympic team!
– You’ve taken the best and made it … bester…
– All of the seeds have been scraped out of those jalapenos…. and I want to thank you for that.
– That is the difference between prime rib and prime time… (looking into camera then glances to side) Oh, we’re not going to commercial?
– “We don’t normally drink it (jalapeno juice) like that.” cough Thanks for stopping me…
– All we need now is a fork and a man who’s willing to do some damage. “I just happen to have a fork right here.” And I just happen to know a man…
– I like to sprinkle it around even though it doesn’t really probably doesn’t make a difference. I think it makes people think that I know what I’m doing.
– … don’t skewer this up…
– You know what they say. “When in Rome, fly to Maryland to get a Baltimore Club.”
– “And the fresh fruit as well!” Is that what that’s called? Fruit?
– As it turns out you don’t need sauce. You just need an 8-foot pit, and 24 hours and a crane.
– (standing in smoke from smoker) I feel like I’ve just watched the Notebook… Why doesn’t she just accept that he loves her!
– “It’s an award-winning dish.” Congratulations. “Thank you.” Let’s see if you can win the greatest award of all. My heart.
– I know you’re on a diet, this (takes food from customer’s bag and eats) is because I’m helping you. “You really care. I see that.” You’re welcome.
– I think this is the beginning of a long, beautiful friendship. “Great. I’m glad.” I was talking to the burger.
– This might be the best day of your life. “(guy eating burger) It could be.” Do you have kids? “I do.” Oops, this might be uncomfortable for them.
– “Add a little bit of H20… So we’re sweating this down…” Sounds like an R&B song ‘Girl let’s sweat you down’….
– It’s like a treasure chest of deliciousness.
– Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the fryer we go!
– This rub is your recipe. “The odds of someone else having it are slim to none.” Until today.
– “When it’s messy it’s always better.” Then this batch should be delicious.
– You know what they say ‘The early bird gets the sandwich.’
– “… a little jalapenos” Your version of a little jalapenos and mine are very different.
– They can see that thing from space.
– Mom, love you. Whatever happens to me just know, I’m in a good place. (takes big bite of a burger)
– …To get somebody to say ‘I really love gizzards’, you’re doing something right man!
– If you’re watching TV and you’re a real estate agent, I’d like to buy a small summer home in Gizzard City.
– For the first time in my life I feel very small and dainty.
– Is this really working? You’d have thought it was im-pop-sicle…
– Love it when you talk fryer to me.
– “Might need a DE (eating rum-soaked pineapple). A designated eater.”
– Do me a favor, watch intently right over my shoulder to make me extra nervous.
– Bacon circles. “Check” Sassy attitude. “Check”
– (guy cutting sandwich into triangles) Triangles just like my mom (mouths to camera: I love you mom)
– “Here come get this, I’m going to get this all over my glasses.” What eating technique are you planning on using????
– “I’m going to teach you how to make our remoulade sauce.” So you’re saying it’s time to get … saucy?
– “It’s very fresh and very healthy.” And not deep fried. “Not deep fried.” Clearly, we’re in the wrong place.
– When you have this many ingredients, this many flavors, people say ‘There’s a party in my mouth.” This is passed party status. The cops are coming to shut this down.
– “You did a great job.” We did a great job…. watching me do a great job.
– It’s heaven in my mouth and I’m ready to go…
– They can take our eggs, but they’ll never take our freedom!
– I don’t want to brag but I kinda nailed it… I mean, would you agree? “I guess.”
– Where’s the rest of the suit (putting on face shield to keep from being burned). “It’s called being a man.” You got the wrong guy, buddy!
– The patties are very delicate? I’m very delicate as well. “Oh I can tell.”
– I’ve actually never had an artichoke before. “You’ll love it.” It’s not that I don’t like vegetables, artichokes look like pine cones.
– I’ve got 99 problems and bread is 98 of them.
I took a big bite. We might have to go to commercial.
– “There was nothing on our menu that had peanuts in it.” That’s a problem at the peanut festival.
– Juan, what have you done. “I think you’ve just fallen in love. With the Gordita.” Yeah, with the Gordita. Juan’s a great guy but he’s happily married.
– If you have a seatbelt in your sofa, for some weird reason, buckle up it’s about to get crazy!
– Like any good hot dog, we’re starting with the… popcorn.
– A lot of people love the sound of the ocean. For me it’s cracklin’ crispy bacon.
– “This is our sweet and sassy BBQ sauce.” Named after you? “Yeah, you got it.”
– What’s the response been? “Speechless.” Words cease to exist. I wanna be speechless. And I’m sure there’s a lot of people out there that would love to see me speechless as well.
– Why are we adding bacon into the actual the batter itself? “Because it’s delicious.” Guys, what were expecting, some kind of scientific answer?
– Have you figured out what to do with the second one? (lady eating slider) “Maybe share it with my husband.” So I guess we have to go get married!
– “Bun’s perfect. Hot dog’s perfect.” The company? “Perfect.”
– Great call sitting down. “I like to sit by a handsome man.” And I will keep the seat warm until he arrives.
– “As a kid, do you remember drinking the milk at the bottom of the cereal bowl.” Uh… I did that this morning.
– “I’ll divorce my wife and marry it (funnel cake) if I have to.” You don’t have to. “We’re safe, babe!”
– “Roll the shrimp in the flour.” It’s like an adult sandbox.
– (singing) Crunchy on the outside, potato on the inside. “Is that one of your originals?” Yeah, gonna be on Carnival Beats.
– When I came to the Renaissance Festival there was a few things on my list that I wanted to make sure I checked off. The most important was to confirm the king has beefy buns.
– Have you gone too far? “Probably.” Excellent, that’s what I want to hear.
– Have ever stood over a bowl like this with a spoon like this and thought about just directly tasting it? “No.” I’m not opening up to you any more you just embarrass me.
– “Can I get you a bib? I think you need it.” Is it alright if I call you mom? “No.”
– Mine (elephant ear) looks better than yours. “That one’s mine.”
– It does kinda feel like we’re in a coffee shop… Is there free wi-fi?
– If this is what happens when you have thirteen kids… (looks into camera) Honey, I’m coming home!
– My stomach just gave my mouth a High Five.
– How did you get into this? “I married into it. I worked for a concessionaire and I married his daughter.” Fast track. “Right. (laughing).
– “Why are these not served at Thanksgiving dinner?” They are, you’re just going to the wrong one.
– “You can’t have a nacho burger without the cheese.” Somebody tried it once, and they exploded.
– You have a good old-fashioned case of the blue balsamic.